3 Ways to Improve Sex with Your Older Man Without Viagra

One of the biggest prob­lems with me and my older lover isn’t where to get inti­mate or what to try—and, so far, we have been lucky to not have to worry about that “blue pill.” Our biggest prob­lem has been our dif­fer­ence in sex drive. With my man’s packed work sched­ule, and with me jug­gling work and moth­er­hood, when we are together, I crave sex and inti­macy. I would want to make love mul­ti­ple times a week, whereas he is per­fectly fine with doing it once a month. He is com­pletely OK if we are not inti­mate on a reg­u­lar basis. He is, with­out a doubt, a great lover, but he says that as he has aged, it has become some­thing that he is OK with.

What do you do, though, if you and your older man have dif­fer­ent sex dri­ves? It can often leave you feel­ing unwanted, or it can lead to him feel­ing like you’ll go “find it some­where else.” It’s impor­tant to have a sex­ual rela­tion­ship that is good for both part­ners. Here are a few things that can help you to work through the kinks to fig­ure out what works best for you.

Try new things, like being a lit­tle more roman­tic. Lit­tle ges­tures can go a long way in putting some­one in a relaxed and happy mood. Maybe try back­ing off a lit­tle, or avoid try­ing to ini­ti­ate sex for a while. When you’re con­stantly clingy and try­ing to make a move, your part­ner will pull away. You’ll get upset when they reject you, and the cycle con­tin­ues. If you let them ini­ti­ate it, it may take a lit­tle longer, but the expe­ri­ence might be more enjoy­able. Try to be affec­tion­ate with him, but with­out head­ing for his nether regions. Give him a back­rub just for the sake of it, and not because you want it to end in sex. Some­times, when a part­ner does things that are unex­pected or that you don’t usu­ally do, it brings back a new­ness or fresh­ness you had when you first started dat­ing. Kiss­ing, cud­dling, and hold­ing hands are all very inti­mate and can help strengthen a relationship.

If you’re really feel­ing frus­trated, use a lit­tle self love. It’s unrea­son­able for you to expect a part­ner to con­stantly ser­vice you when you’re in the mood. If your older man is mak­ing the effort to care for your needs in the rela­tion­ship, some­times you just need to accept that you’re sex­u­ally dif­fer­ent from one another and take care of your­self every once in a while, but with­out feel­ing embar­rassed or resent­ful. This can also be a time for you to try new things, like toys or lubes, that, when you are inti­mate with your part­ner, can help you or him last longer—it might make you both last longer, mak­ing things more sat­is­fy­ing when you are intimate.

The most impor­tant point is that you shouldn’t take it per­son­ally. If you are the one with a higher sex drive, being rejected when mak­ing a move doesn’t mean dis­in­ter­est in sex or in you. It doesn’t mean you’re any less attrac­tive to him. If the prob­lem con­tin­ues, you can always see a cou­ples coun­selor for more help or options. It’s a very com­mon prob­lem and your rela­tion­ship will be bet­ter for it.