The Day My Older Man Had to Hire Me a Bodyguard

In the fall, my divorce pro­ceed­ings were heat­ing up. I dis­cov­ered soon after the papers were filed that my spouse had been cheat­ing for years. The rumor was that he even had a child with this woman. I was hurt and angry. As a result, I found myself often using my soon-to-be ex-husband as lever­age. I very quickly learned to make my spouse look even worse than he was to my lover to get the rewards I was des­per­ately seek­ing. Actu­ally, at some point, the man in the Stet­son hat thought I might actu­ally be in jeop­ardy based on the sto­ries I was telling him.

After spend­ing a week with the Stet­son man, I had a doctor’s appoint­ment and needed to go home. How­ever, the Stet­son man believed I was in dan­ger and was not going to allow me to leave alone. This doctor’s appoint­ment was very impor­tant to me and I stressed that I always kept my appoint­ments. We met with his attor­ney. He seemed to be the go-to man when things needed to be done for me. The attor­ney and I agreed I was not in harm’s way, but we both also knew that argu­ing with the Stet­son man would be pointless.

Early in our rela­tion­ship, I decided to not dis­agree with him. It was not becom­ing and it wasn’t what he expected. He was tak­ing care of me; in return, I pro­vided a safe, happy place for him to fall. So, after some nego­ti­at­ing back and forth, I agreed to meet a body­guard at the air­port upon my arrival. He had the attor­ney hire this body­guard. When the attor­ney took care of things, he seemed to go above and beyond what was nec­es­sary. Not only did he hire a body­guard, he hired an ex-Secret Ser­vice agent. Now, I had stepped into it and had to make it work.

I called my best friend and explained my sit­u­a­tion. She laughed, as she often did at the things I man­aged to bring onto myself. Most impor­tantly, she was on board. My best friend and I met at the air­port and flew to my home state together. We gig­gled and laughed as we had no idea what lay ahead of us. What would this week­end hold? Truth­fully, we were both a bit anx­ious, as we lit­er­ally had no idea what to expect.

Once we landed, our direc­tions were to go to the air­port infor­ma­tion desk. The body­guard would walk up beside us, we were not to turn our head, but keep walk­ing. We did so. Our expe­ri­ence was in full force. He escorted us to the rental car counter. The idea was for him to rent a vehi­cle, so we would be incog­nito. For safety mea­sures, my car was left in air­port park­ing, just in case it had an explo­sive device attached. Again, we chuckled.

At this point, we were both embar­rassed to be in this sit­u­a­tion. He gave us the sign to get into his rental car. Finally, intro­duc­tions were made and we drove to my house. Upon arriv­ing at my house, he went in first to secure the com­pound. He decided my win­dow screen had been com­pro­mised. As he escorted us into the house, a noise in the garage caused him to pull his gun, and we hit the ground. For a brief moment, we also bought into the dan­ger. My friend thought she saw a shadow, but it was only a tree.

That night, when we went to sleep, a flash­light was shined in our eyes every few hours to be sure we were still alive and safe. Of course, it is hard to sleep with lights in your eyes. At one point, my friend got up, passed the stair­way, and noticed another body­guard on duty. He was pol­ish­ing an Uzi sub­ma­chine gun. These men took their jobs seriously.

The fol­low­ing morn­ing, we met with an entire secu­rity team. They assured us they were the best in their pro­fes­sion and they would die to keep us safe. We did our best not to die laugh­ing. This was turn­ing out to be a very expen­sive joke. It was an entirely dif­fer­ent visit. We had no free­dom. We weren’t allowed to go to the casino. Our body­guard decided it would be too dif­fi­cult to keep us safe. Any time we ven­tured out of the house, he secured each place before we entered, includ­ing stores in the mall. While dri­ving, if he thought some­one had been behind us too long, he would flip a u-turn in the mid­dle of the road. He had no regard for the other traf­fic. Sev­eral times, I thought we might die in a car acci­dent. I thought his dri­ving was the only thing that could cause us harm that weekend.

I rapidly grew bored. I received hourly updates on my soon-to-be ex-spouse’s loca­tion. I began to text him what I knew. I would tease him about where he was and who was watch­ing him. I would tell him the loca­tion and color of cars that were fol­low­ing him. I have no idea why, but at the time, it gave me power.

This went on for sev­eral days. Early one morn­ing, the body­guard burst into my bed­room. He was angry, and I knew it. He told me he was aware I had been tex­ting my ex. He told me how I was com­pro­mis­ing his job. He could be fired for these antics. I was astounded. I had no idea the secu­rity team had tapped my phone.

It seemed like for­ever, but the day of my doctor’s appoint­ment finally arrived. We piled into the car to make the trip to the doctor’s office. Once we arrived in the park­ing lot, the body­guard couldn’t decide the safest place to park. So, after con­sid­er­ing sev­eral options, he finally put the car in park. I jumped out and ran in. The body­guard was not happy that he did not have time to secure the office. My friend’s response was, “Haven’t you fig­ured out what kind of doc­tor this is? She is in there get­ting Botox!”

The body­guard con­tin­ued to take his job seri­ously. Wheel­ing a case full of weapons, the body­guard returned us to the air­port. I flew back to the man in the Stet­son hat and let him know I had not been a good patient. This ven­ture had cost him well into six fig­ures, but mis­sion accom­plished; I had safely received my much sought-after “Botox.”