Don’t Want to Marry Him? How to Break Off the Engagement Without Losing Him Completely

July1_DontWantMonths prior to find­ing out that my older man, Der­rick, was mar­ried, we had dis­cussed the prospect of kids. I was still young and wanted a fam­ily. He, on the other hand, had three chil­dren who were grown up, and he had no desire to have more. At the time, it wasn’t a deal breaker for me—I fig­ured one day I would be able to con­vince him oth­er­wise, or I’d just get over it.

I decided to use this now as my excuse for break­ing off our engage­ment. I pro­ceeded to tell Der­rick that I could no longer marry a man who was so much older. I explained that I really wanted kids, and that I needed some­one who could give me every­thing I needed, espe­cially the things that money couldn’t buy. I con­tin­ued to tell him how much I loved him, which was true, but that I was tired of always com­ing in sec­ond and would rather break up.

I hate that I can’t sleep with you every night and that you’re always at work,” I told him. “I hate that our life revolves around your busi­ness, and your friends, and your wife!” I didn’t hold any­thing back, and pow­ered through the tears pour­ing down my face. “I am not sec­ond choice! That was never the agree­ment. You lied to me from the start, and now I’m sup­posed to wait for you to decide whether or not you’re leav­ing her?” I did not let him speak—every time he opened his mouth to say some­thing, I got even louder.

We both know that you will never leave her, espe­cially if it means los­ing your money. You can’t buy my love any­more, Der­rick. I am not a pros­ti­tute or escort. I am a human being who is des­per­ately in love with you. But Der­rick, no mat­ter how much you love me, or how much money you spend on me, you could never, ever give me what I need. I need love and atten­tion. I need things that money can’t buy. Maybe your wife prefers money over love, but I don’t. Love comes first, money second.”

When I was finally done, I sat and cried on the couch for a few min­utes, and he remained silent. He just sat next to me, wrapped his arms around me, kissed my fore­head, and held my hand. Look­ing back, I think he felt bad. I’m sure he must have cared for me; I can’t imag­ine that he didn’t. But his reac­tion shocked me.

When I finally com­posed myself, he seemed relieved, almost as if he was plan­ning on break­ing up the engage­ment him­self the entire time, and I had just saved him the trou­ble. This shook me to the core, but I did my best to keep my head up. I left the ball in his court—I told him that I still loved him, and that he had two choices: One, break off our engage­ment and we each go our sep­a­rate ways for­ever, or two, break off the engage­ment and con­tinue see­ing each other until the rela­tion­ship ran its course.

I still couldn’t stop cry­ing. I had just gone from being com­pletely bliss­ful and engaged to the man of my dreams, to now know­ing that my dream man was hap­pily mar­ried to some­one else. Der­rick wiped my tears away one last time. Again, he smiled and kissed my fore­head. He assured me that he didn’t want to lose me. “We’ll fig­ure some­thing out, Cassie. You mean too much for me to lose you.” And with those words, I offi­cially went from being his fiancée, to the girl on the side.