How Can You Get an Older Man’s Attention Online without Being Overly Sexual?

QUESTION: When it comes to find­ing a sugar daddy through online dat­ing, how can I really get an older man’s atten­tion with­out being overly sex­ual? The overly sex­ual thing seems to work, but it makes it that much more dif­fi­cult to with­hold sex as part of the arrange­ment. I’m will­ing to spend as much time with him as he wants, but I’m not com­fort­able hav­ing sex with him right off the bat. And I’m scared that if I’m overly sex­ual with my mes­sages, they’re less likely to agree with hold­ing off on sex.

CHELSEA SAYS: This is a great ques­tion! Online dat­ing has really been pick­ing up, and even though it’s a great way to meet a poten­tial sugar daddy, it can be pretty hard to nav­i­gate some­times. Good for you for know­ing what your bound­aries are and stick­ing to them. Sex can be a tricky area with sugar daddy/sugar baby rela­tion­ships, so it’s impor­tant to make it clear from the begin­ning about what you are will­ing to do and what’s off-limits.

There are def­i­nitely other effec­tive ways to catch a sugar daddy’s atten­tion with­out being sex­ual. First of all, make sure you have pic­tures on your dat­ing pro­file, and make sure they’re recent—men are more likely to respond to your mes­sages if they can put a face to them.

When it comes to your actual mes­sage, I think you’ll have bet­ter luck get­ting a sugar daddy’s atten­tion if your mes­sage stands out from the rest. Skip the gen­eral and vague “Hey, how’s it going?” mes­sage and try some­thing a lit­tle more per­sonal that shows him that you actu­ally took the time to check out his dat­ing pro­file. For exam­ple, if he has a pic­ture with a dog, say some­thing like, “I see you’re a dog per­son. I am, too! What’s the lit­tle guy’s name?” It’s sim­ple, con­ver­sa­tional, and right off the bat you’ve told him that you have some­thing in com­mon. I also find that ask­ing sim­ple ques­tions engages him in a conversation.

The most impor­tant thing when it comes to online dat­ing is to just be your­self. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s so true. You can only put on a front for so long. Sex­ual mes­sages will work for sex­ual peo­ple. But if you’re more of a come­dian, use that to your advan­tage. If you’re seri­ous about find­ing a sugar daddy that you really con­nect with, you want him to fall for the real you.

TRENT SAYS: I think the world of online dat­ing is an emo­tional obsta­cle course fraught with trick­ery. Or rather, peo­ple try­ing to fudge their dat­ing resume and pref­er­ences. We all want to look good to a prospec­tive mate, but you even­tu­ally have to meet the per­son you’ve been com­mu­ni­cat­ing with, so you don’t want to wax elo­quently too much.

Sugar baby/sugar daddy rela­tion­ships aren’t a one-dimensional light switch. The rela­tion­ship may move more quickly than other rela­tion­ships in the begin­ning, but you need to know more about your sugar daddy than his occu­pa­tion, and he should want to meet you for more than your body.

But how do you get his atten­tion? I always thought peo­ple who pep­pered their online dat­ing pro­files with overt sex­u­al­ity were lack­ing in cre­ativ­ity. Peo­ple are on the site to meet some­one of the oppo­site sex—it’s sort of implied that you hope he’s attrac­tive and/or finan­cially well-off.

If you want to meet an inter­est­ing sugar daddy, be inter­est­ing in your pro­file. I’m not going to say it’s not impor­tant to have a fetch­ing pro­file pic­ture, because it is; men and women are visual crea­tures, after all. The truth of the mat­ter is that sugar dad­dies scan through pro­files by the dozen, so you want to stand out. At the same time, you want to sound interesting.

Sadly, online dat­ing pro­files tend to be quite bor­ing. It’s funny; a sugar baby might say she wants to meet a sugar daddy with a sense of humor, but her pro­file is entirely lack­ing in it. Or a sugar daddy might say he wants to meet a smart, inter­est­ing sugar baby, but his pro­file is dull and full of gram­mat­i­cal errors.

You attract what you put out there, so cre­ate a pro­file you hope will draw in the kind of sugar daddy you’re inter­ested in meet­ing. To stand out, be con­cise and witty in your answers. I once went on a first date with a sugar baby who said her favorite band was The Way­outs, a fic­ti­tious group that appeared on one episode of The Flint­stones. It was an unex­pected response to the ques­tion, but it left a last­ing impression.

You don’t sound like the type of woman who’s just look­ing to show off what you’ve got and what you want. You sound like you want more, like a sugar daddy you can con­nect with on many lev­els. So, let him know, in a clever way, why he deserves to meet you.