QUESTION: My sugar daddy is a very sweet man—he treats me very well and I love being with him. But whenever my sugar daddy and I get into a fight about something, he always threatens to call one of his old flames. It’s not like we fight all the time or anything, just once in a while. And I don’t think he ever actually would call his ex while we were still together—he just says it to piss me off. But how do I get him to stop acting like such a jerk every time we fight?
CHELSEA SAYS: That’s a pretty low blow on your sugar daddy’s part, especially if it’s understood that you’re in an exclusive relationship. But have you talked to him about it? It sounds like this has happened more than once after a fight, so if you haven’t already approached the subject with him, that’s the first step—you can’t complain if you haven’t told him that it bothers you. People get emotional when they argue and what he’s giving you is an emotional, calculating response. In other words, your sugar daddy is probably upset from the fight and is saying what he’s saying out of spite, not because he means it, but he may not even realize what he’s doing; that’s why bringing it to his attention should be your first step. If he only gets like this when you fight, but he’s sweet the rest of the time, he may have anger management issues that need to be addressed before things escalate.
You and your sugar daddy need to sit down and figure out a healthier way to argue. Fights are inevitable in a relationship—even two people who are a perfect match for one another will eventually disagree on something. But you have to know how to work through a fight in a healthy way, whether it’s by taking time apart to let emotions settle, or using a mediator. You just have to find something that works for both you and your sugar daddy.
If you have spoken to your sugar daddy about it and he continues to make the same shallow threats every time you fight, then leave, and fast. He clearly has no respect for you or your relationship, and you don’t deserve to be berated like that—not by anyone. Find yourself someone who will respect you through both the happier times, and the not-so-pleasant ones.
TRENT SAYS: Interestingly, studies show one of the best ways to determine whether a relationship is going to make it or not is based on how well a couple resolves their conflicts. For starters, even the most perfect relationship goes through rough patches. That’s because even the most compatible people think and behave differently. At the same time, because they both respect and care about each other, they’ll try and find a constructive way that both resolves the issue and makes the relationship stronger.
When it comes to you and your sugar daddy, I think the onus is going to fall on you (at least initially) to show him how to “fight fair.”
It’s important to keep the discussion focused on the issue at hand. That means staying in the “here-and-now”—don’t bring up past unresolved issued, and don’t resort to name-calling or making threats. You’ve been on the receiving end of this, so you know that making threats doesn’t work. Neither does name-calling or yelling.
What is he hoping to accomplish with these strategies? Does he think that yelling and making threats is going to make you sit up and think, “You know, he’s right! I don’t want him to yell at me or cheat on me, so I’ll just agree with him.”
Sometimes, couples need to be reminded that they love, respect, and care about each other. And that you don’t treat each other in a way that is demeaning, threatening, or destroys self-confidence. You have boundaries in your relationship with your sugar daddy and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have boundaries in the way you treat each other when you fight.
If your sugar daddy continues to be verbally abusive and make threats when you fight, tell him you’re not going to engage with him until he’s more respectful and wants to discusses the issue at hand in a mature way. And that you deserve to be treated better. Until then, he won’t stop acting like a jerk when you fight. And if he does continue even after you tell him how it makes you feel, well, it might be time to revisit the boundaries of your sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship.