How Do I Get My Sugar Daddy to Stop Acting Like a Jerk Every Time We Get Into a Fight?

QUESTION: My sugar daddy is a very sweet man—he treats me very well and I love being with him. But when­ever my sugar daddy and I get into a fight about some­thing, he always threat­ens to call one of his old flames. It’s not like we fight all the time or any­thing, just once in a while. And I don’t think he ever actu­ally would call his ex while we were still together—he just says it to piss me off. But how do I get him to stop act­ing like such a jerk every time we fight?

CHELSEA SAYS: That’s a pretty low blow on your sugar daddy’s part, espe­cially if it’s under­stood that you’re in an exclu­sive rela­tion­ship. But have you talked to him about it? It sounds like this has hap­pened more than once after a fight, so if you haven’t already approached the sub­ject with him, that’s the first step—you can’t com­plain if you haven’t told him that it both­ers you. Peo­ple get emo­tional when they argue and what he’s giv­ing you is an emo­tional, cal­cu­lat­ing response. In other words, your sugar daddy is prob­a­bly upset from the fight and is say­ing what he’s say­ing out of spite, not because he means it, but he may not even real­ize what he’s doing; that’s why bring­ing it to his atten­tion should be your first step. If he only gets like this when you fight, but he’s sweet the rest of the time, he may have anger man­age­ment issues that need to be addressed before things escalate.

You and your sugar daddy need to sit down and fig­ure out a health­ier way to argue. Fights are inevitable in a relationship—even two peo­ple who are a per­fect match for one another will even­tu­ally dis­agree on some­thing. But you have to know how to work through a fight in a healthy way, whether it’s by tak­ing time apart to let emo­tions set­tle, or using a medi­a­tor. You just have to find some­thing that works for both you and your sugar daddy.

If you have spo­ken to your sugar daddy about it and he con­tin­ues to make the same shal­low threats every time you fight, then leave, and fast. He clearly has no respect for you or your rela­tion­ship, and you don’t deserve to be berated like that—not by any­one. Find your­self some­one who will respect you through both the hap­pier times, and the not-so-pleasant ones.

TRENT SAYS: Inter­est­ingly, stud­ies show one of the best ways to deter­mine whether a rela­tion­ship is going to make it or not is based on how well a cou­ple resolves their con­flicts. For starters, even the most per­fect rela­tion­ship goes through rough patches. That’s because even the most com­pat­i­ble peo­ple think and behave dif­fer­ently. At the same time, because they both respect and care about each other, they’ll try and find a con­struc­tive way that both resolves the issue and makes the rela­tion­ship stronger.

When it comes to you and your sugar daddy, I think the onus is going to fall on you (at least ini­tially) to show him how to “fight fair.”

It’s impor­tant to keep the dis­cus­sion focused on the issue at hand. That means stay­ing in the “here-and-now”—don’t bring up past unre­solved issued, and don’t resort to name-calling or mak­ing threats. You’ve been on the receiv­ing end of this, so you know that mak­ing threats doesn’t work. Nei­ther does name-calling or yelling.

What is he hop­ing to accom­plish with these strate­gies? Does he think that yelling and mak­ing threats is going to make you sit up and think, “You know, he’s right! I don’t want him to yell at me or cheat on me, so I’ll just agree with him.”

Some­times, cou­ples need to be reminded that they love, respect, and care about each other. And that you don’t treat each other in a way that is demean­ing, threat­en­ing, or destroys self-confidence. You have bound­aries in your rela­tion­ship with your sugar daddy and there’s no rea­son why you shouldn’t have bound­aries in the way you treat each other when you fight.

If your sugar daddy con­tin­ues to be ver­bally abu­sive and make threats when you fight, tell him you’re not going to engage with him until he’s more respect­ful and wants to dis­cusses the issue at hand in a mature way. And that you deserve to be treated bet­ter. Until then, he won’t stop act­ing like a jerk when you fight. And if he does con­tinue even after you tell him how it makes you feel, well, it might be time to revisit the bound­aries of your sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship.