How Do I Know If My Younger Woman Is Only After My Money?

QUESTION: I’m a 45-year-old man with my own busi­ness and I have been dat­ing a younger woman for a cou­ple of months now. We met at a mutual friend’s house­warm­ing party and we get along really well—I can def­i­nitely see long-term poten­tial with her, but I don’t want to just end up being her sugar daddy. I’m look­ing for some­one I can set­tle down with. She’s got a pretty good career her­self, but I make quite a bit more than she does. How do I know for sure that she isn’t just with me for my money?

TRENT SAYS: There are a lot of dif­fer­ent types of sugar daddy arrange­ments and expec­ta­tions. Some sugar dad­dies and sugar babies want the clas­sic, fun, no-strings-attached kind of rela­tion­ship that will even­tu­ally run its course.

There are also those sugar dad­dies and sugar babies who have no issue get­ting emo­tion­ally involved with each other. For him, find­ing a young, attrac­tive woman is just the begin­ning, and for her, find­ing a finan­cially sta­ble, ambi­tious man is the start­ing point.

Then there are times when it can get com­pli­cated. If a sugar baby gets too attached, then it’s best for the sugar daddy to remind her of how they met and what the expec­ta­tions are. Same goes for the reverse: a sugar baby should remind a sugar daddy about their non-committed rela­tion­ship. How­ever, at this point, the rela­tion­ship is done because one party has crossed the line. It’s best to end it as quickly as possible.

I’m not sure what kind of bound­aries you set up when you started dat­ing this younger woman.

On the one hand, you can never really know for a fact that she isn’t just with you for the money. If she told you that she only dates tall men, would you be con­cerned that she’s just dat­ing you because you’re tall? I get that finances and height are dif­fer­ent issues, but the fact remains, we’re all attracted to each other for dif­fer­ent rea­sons. For some, finances are just a spring­board. For oth­ers, that’s all there is.

On the other hand, you say she has a “pretty good career her­self.” So, it sounds to me like maybe she’s not really look­ing for a sugar daddy per se, so much as look­ing for some­one mature and finan­cially sta­ble that she can find her­self on the same page with.

Hope­fully, you’ve been lis­ten­ing to your younger woman while you’ve been dat­ing, and you know what kind of per­son she is and what she’s look­ing for in both the short and long term. At the end of the day, a May-December rela­tion­ship is just like any other inti­mate rela­tion­ship, in that you’ll even­tu­ally fig­ure out if this per­son is with you for the right rea­sons. Trust your gut feel­ing, but don’t read too much into everything.

  • Valentina

    Hey I am 10 years older than this woman and I have been attracted to men about 15–20 years older than me. I think it’s impor­tant to acknowl­edge what she s giv­ing you — her youth and what you can give her — sta­bil­ity and yes,maybe money.
    I don’t think she may like you JUST for your money but money is some­thing that will make you attrac­tive in her eyes. I have had many suit­ors and the one I like the best among many is the one who is upfront about want­ing to sup­port me and to set­tle down, not because he has to, but because he WANTS to, and that makes him very attrac­tive.
    Yes, he is Euro­pean and very cul­tured so he is also inter­est­ing. I have a cre­ative career that has its ups and downs and hav­ing a man who can pro­vide sta­bil­ity and really treat me like a queen is a seri­ous plus. I also have an Ivy League degree. Mean­ing I am not some woman wait­ing for a man to come around, I have some­thing to offer in return.
    So if you have long-term plans for this woman I think you should show her you could be a good provider. That is part of the deal. Show her that in case you get mar­ried and you decide to have kids, she can afford to be a stay-home mom if she wants to.

    Let’s be real here, you have to show that you have some­thing men her age don’t — and that is money and power. Don’t kid your­self think­ing there is not exchange — there is. You have to make it explicit in order to “win” this woman from the other men her own age.