QUESTION: I’m not saying that the sex is bad—it’s good—but I know it could be better, way better. Is it OK to tell my partner what I like in bed? How do I tell him without offending him or making him feel like I haven’t been enjoying the sex till now?
CHELSEA SAYS: Let me start by telling you one important thing. It doesn’t matter if he’s been with two women or 52—every woman is different, so experience doesn’t always mean mastery when it comes to sex.
You should definitely tell your partner what you like in bed. How else will the sex get better? As nice as it would be for him to be able to read your mind, he can’t. In fact, I’m willing to bet that he would actually appreciate you telling him what you like when you’re getting down and dirty. The more satisfied you are, the better he’ll feel, too. A mature man will be open to hearing what you like during sex and are smart enough to not take it personally; they understand that you’re only telling them to enhance both of your sexual pleasure.
With regards to how to tell him what you like, it’s really all in the wording. You’re not pointing out what he’s doing wrong during sex, you’re simply telling him what else would work for you. The last thing you want to do is destroy his ego by belittling his sex skills. The trick is to give your partner subtle pointers. If he’s doing something during sex that works for you, then tell him that you like it and that it feels good so that he knows to keep doing it. If he’s doing something that’s not really working for you, then say something like, “This feels good, but slower would feel even better.” You can even offer to show him how you like it—most guys won’t turn down a free demo.
TRENT SAYS: Is it OK to tell your partner what you want in bed? I’d say it’s imperative! I’d like to say, if the tables were turned, you would want to know what he likes in bed, but then men really aren’t all that complicated to figure out, at least when it comes to sex. Sure, we’re partial to some moves more than others, but for the most part, we’re light switches.
Keep in mind that your partner wants to make every attempt to please you on every conceivable level, be it emotionally or physically. It’s quite clear that at this point, he isn’t pleasing you sexually—if he was, you’d never have to ask.
When it comes to awakening and even discovering the sexual nuances that make a woman sing in the bedroom, it takes a bit of effort. Over the years, I’m sure he’s learned a large number of different sexual positions and has memorized the geography of a woman’s body, but he needs help with your nuances.
Sex is the greatest physical pleasure we can experience. You want to enjoy having sex as much as he does. If you think he’s OK with you giving him a little direction, be blunt. You can either tell him what you like, or, conversely, show him what you like. Guys are visual; we like to watch and learn.
If you don’t think he would be receptive to direction, you could be more subtle. If something is working, tell him you love when he does “that.” On the other hand, instead of telling him you don’t like something flat out, you can always rephrase it to sound positive. For example, “Yeah, like that, but just move your finger over a little to the left and a little faster.”
Whether you tell us what you like, or we think we’ve figured it out for ourselves; ultimately, guys just want to know we are pleasing our women in bed. And the more we learn about you between the sheets, the happier we’ll both be.