How My Sugar Daddy Made Me So Desperate That I Called an Ex-Lover For Help: Part 2

Josh sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me. He held me as I cried in silence for a few min­utes. When I finally looked up to speak, I told him I felt the need to explain the sit­u­a­tion, but he cau­tioned me not to. He said that if it made me uncom­fort­able, he didn’t need to know, but if I needed advice, he could give it.

I don’t know whose baby it is. And I can’t lie to my hus­band and raise a child with­out know­ing for cer­tain that it’s his. And I hate Der­rick; I don’t want him to be the father and if he is, I don’t want to raise it with him. I want a baby with my hus­band, but I’ve gone and screwed every­thing up,” I cried. I was dis­traught, but knew that I had to man up. I was no vic­tim in this game. Any sit­u­a­tion I found myself in, I was to blame. “If I had never lost you, every­thing would have been OK.”

Josh imme­di­ately inter­rupted me. “Stop, don’t talk like that. Things hap­pen for a rea­son. Be strong and believe that this is all a part of your plan. Is this really what you want? It’s very per­ma­nent,” he said as he ges­tured toward the clinic.

I wiped my tears away and sat up. I thought long and hard before answer­ing. I was almost cer­tain it was the right choice, but to hear the word “per­ma­nent” made me second-guess myself even more. When I didn’t answer, he con­tin­ued by say­ing that a child was a bless­ing from God. It was a beau­ti­ful life that could have a great future, no mat­ter who was the father.

Are you sug­gest­ing I have the child and lie to my hus­band?” I asked.

No, I am merely sug­gest­ing that you remem­ber there are other options. I know it seems like you are in a world of trou­ble, but this is a life we are talk­ing about.” He looked calm, but his words were harsh. “Some­times we have to take respon­si­bil­ity for our actions and make deci­sions that seem impos­si­ble. It’s a baby, Cassandra.”

Maybe I made a mis­take in call­ing you,” I said, feel­ing defeated. “I don’t need judg­ment right now.”

You called me for tough love and that’s what I’m giv­ing you. I don’t care what choice you make, but you need to stop act­ing like a vic­tim. This is all your mak­ing. I just want to point out how badly you wanted a child before. And now you have one.”

And I am also almost cer­tain that it’s not my husband’s,” I inter­rupted. “I wanted a baby that is 100% my husband’s!”

There are worse lies that peo­ple are forced to live with,” he added.

When I broke down, he held me tight and lis­tened with­out inter­rup­tion. “I’m so tired of lies, Josh. It all began with Der­rick. You were the first vic­tim and I’m done. I’m tired of lies, lies, and more lies. It’s my fault, I know. I have no excuse. But how can I raise a child with my hus­band know­ing it’s not his? It will eat away at me. Plus, one day the truth will come out. One day I will be the bad one to this beau­ti­ful child. I’ve hurt enough peo­ple in my life. I don’t want to hurt an inno­cent child.” I talked all the way until my alarm set off. When it came time to decide whether or not to go through with it, I real­ized I knew what I wanted.  I stood up and looked Josh in the eye. “I want what you have.”

So, you’re not going through with it?” he asked cheer­fully. I could tell he didn’t want me going through with the procedure.

I’m sorry I dragged you into this, but I am going through with it.” I looked away towards the door and took a deep breath. As I started walk­ing towards the door, I stopped and looked back. “I could never have the life you and your beau­ti­ful wife have if I start it off this way. I need to start over. Will you wait for me?” I asked.

I’ll be in the lobby,” he said as he grabbed my hand and walked me towards the front. The walk seemed eter­nal. I felt as if I was walk­ing to my death sen­tence. I knew my life would never be the same.