I Can’t Afford My Sugar Baby, But I Think I Love Her—Now What? (By the Way…I’m Married)

amber c

QUESTION: I am 55 and just started dat­ing a 23-year-old col­lege student—this is my first time try­ing this.  We hit it off right away and have already had a lot of fun together. How­ever, I am mar­ried so we have to be very dis­creet. Plus, because of my sit­u­a­tion, I can’t sup­port her enough finan­cially to meet her expec­ta­tions. So she has been hon­est that she can’t be in an exclu­sive rela­tion­ship as a result. She is also com­ing off a sugar baby rela­tion­ship that ended sud­denly, leav­ing her with bills to pay, so she doesn’t want to put all her “eggs in one bas­ket.” Since we can’t be together all the time, it dri­ves me nuts think­ing she might be on other dates, but I have asked her to never dis­cuss other sugar dad­dies she might be see­ing.  I’m not wor­ried about guys her own age, as I really believe she enjoys older men. How should I deal with my inse­cu­ri­ties and what do I need to do to turn this into a more seri­ous rela­tion­ship? By the way, I think I am in love with her.

CHELSEA SAYS: There are a lot of things to address here. First of all, with regards to how to have a suc­cess­ful rela­tion­ship with a younger woman, you really need to take a step back and really look at the sit­u­a­tion you’re in. For starters, it’s a lit­tle unrea­son­able (and unfair) to ask your new girl­friend to be exclu­sive, when you your­self are still mar­ried. At least she’s being hon­est with you about it.

By no means am I say­ing that you should go and divorce your wife tomor­row, because, in my opin­ion, what you’ve got going with this younger woman sounds more like an age gap hookup than a gen­uine age gap love story—it’s a May-December affair. Would you still be so “in love” with her if she wasn’t young, hot, and kind of hard to get?

This younger woman is mov­ing from one sugar daddy rela­tion­ship to another—she sounds more like a career sugar baby than a seri­ous girlfriend/wife mate­r­ial. Those are two very dif­fer­ent things. If she’s a pro sugar baby, she prob­a­bly has no inter­est in main­tain­ing a more seri­ous age gap love affair with you. As much as it might hurt to hear, I’m guess­ing she’s prob­a­bly per­fectly happy get­ting what she can from you, finan­cially or oth­er­wise, and then mov­ing on. I can under­stand why not being able to spend more time with her is frus­trat­ing for you, but to be hon­est, it’s noth­ing per­sonal. It’s not like she’s mali­ciously going out and dat­ing other sugar dad­dies just to get to you. It’s just the lifestyle, and you can’t really blame her for not putting all her eggs in one bas­ket, espe­cially if you can’t pro­vide her with every­thing she needs.

That being said, how seri­ous a rela­tion­ship do you want? There’s only so far you can take this, con­sid­er­ing the whole fact that your May-December affair has to remain dis­creet. I can’t really tell you how to turn this into a “more seri­ous rela­tion­ship” until you fig­ure out what exactly you mean by that. Do you want her to stop see­ing other sugar dad­dies? Are you will­ing to risk your mar­riage for your younger girl­friend? If she were to cut off ties with her other sources of income, namely her other sugar dad­dies, are you able to pro­vide enough for her to make ends meet? You need to be able to answer ques­tions like this, because there’s a good chance that your sugar baby might ask you the same sorts of things.

TRENT SAYS: Con­grat­u­la­tions on being in an age gap rela­tion­ship!  Being a sugar daddy can be fun and reward­ing. It can also be fraught with dis­ap­point­ment if you don’t under­stand the bound­aries that go hand-in-hand with being a sugar daddy. And you seem to be fac­ing a few hur­dles early on.

Here are the issues. You’re hav­ing a dis­creet rela­tion­ship with a younger woman where finances are an impor­tant ele­ment.  She clearly has a back­ground as a sugar baby and knows what the expec­ta­tions and bound­aries are.  For her, the rela­tion­ship is emo­tion­ally and phys­i­cally non-committal, mean­ing she under­stands that if you can­not meet her needs, she will keep her options open. That’s the life of a sugar baby.

You are assum­ing the role of the sugar daddy, since it appears as though her monogamy is based on cer­tain needs being met. But that sounds like it’s a bit of a chal­lenge for you right now. That’s not the life of a sugar daddy.

Here’s how I see it. You are expect­ing her to live up to age gap rela­tion­ship guide­lines that you your­self can­not adhere to. You’re mar­ried, but don’t like the idea of her being with other men. You also want her to wait patiently in the wings for you even though she is find­ing it dif­fi­cult to make ends meet.  And chances are good she could have her needs met elsewhere.

For exam­ple, she may very well be look­ing at you think­ing, “He could be doing much more to help me make ends meet, but instead, his actions show me that I am not his main con­cern, his fam­ily is. Why should they be pro­vided for when I’m not?” It doesn’t sound to me like she’s will­ing to sac­ri­fice if you aren’t.

When it comes to your grow­ing attached to her, this is where things get com­pli­cated. If you find your­self get­ting attached, you need to step back and think about what it means to be a sugar daddy (if indeed that’s what you think you are); how you two met and the ini­tial expec­ta­tions about your non-committed age gap rela­tion­ship. That’s the joy of these kinds of rela­tion­ships, because there’s no emo­tional attach­ment or long-term expec­ta­tions. You are free to end it with­out deal­ing with the bag­gage. But that’s not really the case here. It’s going to be pretty dif­fi­cult to find com­mon ground, and by that I mean a sce­nario where your rela­tion­ship with her is mutu­ally valu­able (and devoid of jealousy).

It takes work to keep an age gap rela­tion­ship healthy in the best case sce­nario.  So, when you find your­self in a sit­u­a­tion where the rela­tion­ship with the woman you love has oblig­a­tions or needs that you can­not pro­vide or meet—and you’re jeal­ous that she’s keep­ing her options open by see­ing other men—the chances of suc­cess are pretty dim.

How do you turn this into a more seri­ous rela­tion­ship?  I’m not sure that’s what either of you want.  It sounds like you’re really attracted to her, enjoy her com­pany, and have fun with her. But it doesn’t sound like the emo­tional ground­work is there for a truly seri­ous rela­tion­ship. It sounds like you want her to be there for you no mat­ter what. But she doesn’t see you as doing the same thing for her.  She has her expec­ta­tions and if you can’t meet them, she’ll find oth­ers that can. Just like what we do in a so-called tra­di­tional relationship.

  • Angel Sierra

    At least he was hon­est from the get go, a lot of sugar dad­dies are fib­bers, to put it nicely. If man can have all his plea­sures met, Would all the spon­ta­neous adven­tures come to a com­plete halt?

  • SuperTroll

    No money, no honey. That’s the only rea­son she lets you touch her.