I Thought I was the Only One with Secrets—Till My Husband Shocked Me with a Secret of His Own: Part 1

It was there at my din­ing room table that I real­ized the extent of hurt and destruc­tion my affair caused. My hus­band, Robert, cried with pain. He explained how the hurt of know­ing I was sleep­ing with another man was less painful than the hurt of divorc­ing me. He said that many nights he would drink him­self to sleep while I was out with Der­rick, my older lover.

I looked Robert straight in the eye and apol­o­gized for all the pain I caused him. I told him the truth and hid noth­ing. There was no longer a rea­son to lie. The truth was out; he knew every­thing. I promised him the affair was over and I told him how excited I was to start a fam­ily with him. As I pleaded and begged, a sud­den surge of panic and fear invaded my body. Robert had obvi­ously known about my affair with Der­rick for years, so why was he telling me now?

Why are you telling me this now?” I was fear­ful of ask­ing, but real­ized I had no other choice. This was the end.

Two years ago, in the midst of my anger and hurt, I had an affair, too” His eyes would not meet mine. I could sense that he was regret­ful and I won­dered why he felt bad after know­ing every­thing I had done.

I for­give you,” I said. “I hurt you and you had to run to some­one. I messed every­thing up, but we can fix it now. We can make this mar­riage work. I am com­mit­ted to you. I know it took more years than it ever should, but I want to start a fam­ily with you.” He shook his head from side to side. “We can fix this, Rob­bie,” I insisted.

You don’t under­stand, Cas­san­dra.” He grabbed his beer as he stood up from the table. He took a sip of it and when I told him it wasn’t too late, he threw his beer bot­tle against the wall and yelled, “You don’t under­stand! It’s too late. God­damn, it’s too f*cking late!”

Help me under­stand then!” I cried. I assumed the toll of my affair had finally drained him. I fig­ured he was tired of being my sec­ond choice after I had promised he would be my one and only. He must have finally real­ized the pain was not worth it. We were both silent for a while. He looked at me, but had no words. He began pac­ing the room. Back and forth. Back and forth. For a minute, I got fear­ful. I thought maybe he would become aggres­sive. And just when my fear was start­ing to esca­late, he stopped pac­ing and sat down in front of me.

He cov­ered his face with his hands and then looked me in the eyes and grabbed my hand. For the first time in min­utes, he opened his mouth. “I’m going to tell you some­thing that is going to change every­thing.” He squeezed my hand. “What hap­pens from here on out will really depend on what you want. I will respect what­ever choice you make.” I nod­ded as he con­tin­ued. “Remem­ber that I love you.”

You’re scar­ing me, Robert. Tell me already. What do I not understand?”