My husband’s job was starting to take more and more time away from me. The amount of hours I would see him per week had decreased drastically. In many ways, it was great because the abusive behavior slowly diminished. However, I became very lonely and relied heavily on Derrick, the rich older man I was having an affair with. We went out to dinner various times a week and spent many evenings between the sheets.
Something was changing, though. The lust I once had for him was slowly going away. He became less and less attractive to me and I often resented him for the past. When I met him, I was young and part of me was starting to feel like I was being taken advantage of. As an older man, he knew the worth and attractiveness of his money. He knew the lavish gifts were blinding and, at the time, he knew damn well that he did not want to fall in love with me; he was married, after all. He could have walked away, but he kept pulling me in.
Even now, Derrick could not give me what I really needed. As I was nearing 30 years of age, I was beginning to see life differently. My thoughts did not yet stop by insanity, but looking back, I was definitely getting closer. I now realize that sometimes you have to fall apart completely so that you are able to rebuild yourself. Unfortunately, I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
“I want kids, Cassandra. If you don’t want kids with me, maybe it’s time we move on. I don’t want to keep waiting.” My husband’s words resonated in the back of my head. He desperately wanted children, and I did not. I made excuse after excuse about how unstable we were and how busy he was with work. He always answered back saying that he would slow down when I was ready. “That’s what I pay people for,” he would say. I used therapy as an excuse, saying we needed more so that we were both sure that we were ready. “Tell me when, and I’ll go,” he would say. But for every response, I just made another excuse. I couldn’t do it.
The thought of children had always made me happy. I wanted kids in my younger days, but now that I felt trapped between my marriage and an affair, I simply could not decide what was more important. I could not choose between my husband and my lover. Luckily, in my selfishness, I was bright enough to understand that I was not ready to be a mother. Children were simply not a part of my plan—that would be too cruel. Little did I know that my plan was flawed from the start, and I was about to find out why…