Sex with My Older Man Isn’t as Hot as It Used to Be—What Happened?

QUESTION: I’m 34 and my boyfriend is 59. We’ve been together for about seven years now, and at first, the sex was amaz­ing. We couldn’t get enough of each other. But now, it’s dif­fer­ent. He doesn’t seem as inter­ested any­more and I’m not sure if it’s me, another woman, or if it’s impo­tence start­ing to creep into our sex life. What do I do?

CHELSEA SAYS: Just because you’re not hav­ing sex as often as you used to, it doesn’t mean he’s hav­ing an affair. If he is cheat­ing, there will be other signs, like sneak­ing off to answer a phone call, never leav­ing his phone unat­tended, all of a sud­den hav­ing to work late and take busi­ness trips, and sud­denly spend­ing more time on his appear­ance. Before you jump the gun and accuse of him of hav­ing an affair, keep reading—there could be a few other rea­sons why your sex life isn’t as wild or fre­quent as it was seven years ago.

From my expe­ri­ence, it’s just a myth that men can turn it on and off when­ever they want. They’re not always think­ing about sex, espe­cially if he’s older and has a suc­cess­ful career. Cue in to things that might be going on in his life out­side of the bed­room, like stress at work, fam­ily prob­lems, or trou­ble with a friend.

It could also very well just be the age dif­fer­ence. I hate to have to tell you this, but you may have descended into one of the biggest pit­falls of dat­ing an older man. Both men’s and women’s libidos tend to decrease with age and, because he’s got 25 years on you, his sex drive is nat­u­rally going to slow down long before yours does. He might also just be com­fort­able with you, since you’ve been together for so long. I’m not say­ing it makes log­i­cal sense, but maybe he fig­ures that he’s got you so he doesn’t have to put in any extra effort anymore.

Try chang­ing things up in the bed­room to add a lit­tle extra spice—if it’s new and excit­ing, it might help to get him up and ready to roll, so to speak. If you’ve never tried any­thing kinky in the bed­room, always, always ease into it. Don’t just crack a whip and expect that he’ll be game—you might just end up scar­ing his libido even fur­ther away. Instead, tell him you heard about this new toy and you think it might be fun to try it together. Some other ways you can spice up your sex life are sexy pic­tures and mes­sages while he’s at work, frisky lin­gerie, role play­ing, a change of loca­tion (like the kitchen or stair­case), and unex­pected sur­prises (like the shower or morn­ing sex). And don’t be afraid to tell him what you like and what doesn’t really work for you—he’s a big boy, he can han­dle it.