QUESTION: I’m 34 and my boyfriend is 59. We’ve been together for about seven years now, and at first, the sex was amazing. We couldn’t get enough of each other. But now, it’s different. He doesn’t seem as interested anymore and I’m not sure if it’s me, another woman, or if it’s impotence starting to creep into our sex life. What do I do?
CHELSEA SAYS: Just because you’re not having sex as often as you used to, it doesn’t mean he’s having an affair. If he is cheating, there will be other signs, like sneaking off to answer a phone call, never leaving his phone unattended, all of a sudden having to work late and take business trips, and suddenly spending more time on his appearance. Before you jump the gun and accuse of him of having an affair, keep reading—there could be a few other reasons why your sex life isn’t as wild or frequent as it was seven years ago.
From my experience, it’s just a myth that men can turn it on and off whenever they want. They’re not always thinking about sex, especially if he’s older and has a successful career. Cue in to things that might be going on in his life outside of the bedroom, like stress at work, family problems, or trouble with a friend.
It could also very well just be the age difference. I hate to have to tell you this, but you may have descended into one of the biggest pitfalls of dating an older man. Both men’s and women’s libidos tend to decrease with age and, because he’s got 25 years on you, his sex drive is naturally going to slow down long before yours does. He might also just be comfortable with you, since you’ve been together for so long. I’m not saying it makes logical sense, but maybe he figures that he’s got you so he doesn’t have to put in any extra effort anymore.
Try changing things up in the bedroom to add a little extra spice—if it’s new and exciting, it might help to get him up and ready to roll, so to speak. If you’ve never tried anything kinky in the bedroom, always, always ease into it. Don’t just crack a whip and expect that he’ll be game—you might just end up scaring his libido even further away. Instead, tell him you heard about this new toy and you think it might be fun to try it together. Some other ways you can spice up your sex life are sexy pictures and messages while he’s at work, frisky lingerie, role playing, a change of location (like the kitchen or staircase), and unexpected surprises (like the shower or morning sex). And don’t be afraid to tell him what you like and what doesn’t really work for you—he’s a big boy, he can handle it.