They say that the truth will set you free. In my case, the saying couldn’t be truer. I didn’t tell my ex-fiancé, Josh, about what happened with us. I couldn’t tell him that I left him because I was having an affair with my sugar daddy. After how kind Josh was being, and how happy he was, I could not bear to tell him the truth. Although I’m certain that he was over me, I could not bear the thought of hurting him again.
We stayed at the coffee shop for hours. I told him about my husband and his abusive tendencies. Slowly, I managed to tell him about my infidelity and about how conflicted I was about it. I told him I wanted to stop, but that I was caught between two worlds, neither one of which I really wanted.
Josh was stunned, but he was kind with his words and encouraged me to find happiness. He reminded me that not all marriages were meant to work, especially ones where someone was abusive. He reminded me of my strength and added that, while I may be lusting over my lover, the fact that it never worked out spoke volumes.
“If it was love, true love, you would know and you would be able to pick one.” He continued speaking words of wisdom and ended by saying, “I need you to remember who you are. You are not a one-night stand. You are not the woman who cheats on her husband just for sex. The woman I remember took care of her man and was faithful. The woman I fell in love with was like no other. And as much as I love my wife, no one, and I mean no one will ever compare to you. I’m thankful that you were honest and walked away. I would have hated to be in your husband’s shoes as your husband and not your fiancé.”
I was a deer in the headlights. My jaw must have dropped to the floor and he nodded. Somehow, he knew. I don’t know what exactly he knew or how he knew, but somehow, he knew. I could not ask, and I did not want to know. I was too embarrassed, too ashamed. “I’m sorry,” I said. I had no other words.
“I know. I’m not mad. I’m thankful. In a messed up way, it was all meant to be. You prepared me for my wife, Mary. And as much as I love you, I can’t imagine my life without her and wouldn’t want to spend my life with anyone but her. Find your Mary.” We smiled and minutes later parted ways. When he hugged me goodbye, I didn’t want him to let go. It was then that I realized how much I had messed up. This was the man for me and I let him go because I wanted lavish gifts and raw passion.
When I got home, my husband wasn’t home, so I called up Derrick, my older lover, and had him meet me at the house. I knew my house was off-limits and if my husband ever found out, he would kill me, but something about the situation sent adrenaline rushing through my body.
When Derrick came over, we had sex in the guest bedroom. While in his arms, I did not think of him or of my husband. This time I thought of Josh and his words. He was right. I was better than this.