What Happens in Your Marriage When Your Affair is Just About Sex

Things between my hus­band Robert and I were going great. I felt as if we were start­ing all over again. Our ther­apy ses­sions were really work­ing, and we both con­tin­ued going to our own indi­vid­ual ther­apy ses­sions. He also began anger man­age­ment, which was help­ing our mar­riage tremendously.

While Robert and I worked on our mar­riage, Derrick—the older man I was hav­ing an affair with—was busy falling in love with his new girl­friend. We talked occa­sion­ally, but hadn’t seen each other in weeks. He was very invested in this new woman. She was in her very early 20s and he was spoil­ing her, much like he did with me at one point. It was then that I noticed how stu­pid I had been. I ruined a very good rela­tion­ship with my ex-fiancé, Josh, for a man that was never worth the time. I was always cer­tain that Der­rick and I had a con­nec­tion, but I was also start­ing to real­ize how fooled I had been. I was too young and naïve to see it back then, but now, it was as clear as the air we breathe.

Some­how, and trag­i­cally, I would still see Der­rick every once in a while. It was usu­ally when I was mad at my hus­band. Some­times, it was just to vent, and other times it was for sex. Sex with my hus­band was great, but noth­ing com­pared to the pas­sion of my older man. The years he had of prac­tice had made him a pas­sion­ate lover. His expe­ri­ence was refresh­ing and often just the cure I needed. As good as the sex was with him, the act itself meant noth­ing. The dan­ger of my affair was that I was no longer invested in my older lover. Part of me did not feel like I was hurt­ing my mar­riage because I no longer loved him. See­ing Der­rick was purely sex­ual, the love was long gone. After years and years, I was finally able to sep­a­rate sex from my feel­ings. I was play­ing a dan­ger­ous game—I was also too stu­pid to real­ize that one day, I would finally lose.

One Christ­mas Eve, my hus­band and I got home from his com­pany party. The night had gone amaz­ingly well. We danced and laughed the night away. I could finally look at my hus­band and feel love in my heart. The nights of fight­ing and feel­ing abused and neglected were long gone. When we got home I dis­robed in the liv­ing room. I looked at him and real­ized that I was madly in love. “I love you,” I said. “And I want to tell you some­thing.” He looked at me, wrapped his arms around me, and I felt safe and at home. I pulled myself away from him and unhooked my bra. I did not take my eyes off of him as I slipped my under­wear off. “I’m ready,” I said.

Robert started tak­ing his pants off. “Oh baby, I am too,” he said with lust­ful eyes.

Rob­bie, you don’t under­stand. I mean, I am ready.”

Ready?” he asked as he con­tin­ued undressing.

Yes, I am ready.” I smiled and jumped on top of him. “I want to start a fam­ily with you.” Those were the words Robert had been wait­ing to hear for so long.

The smile on his face was big enough to swal­low me up. He picked me up and car­ried me to our bed­room. “I’ve been wait­ing for this day,” he said, as he dis­ap­peared into the closet. When he came out, he had rose petals, can­dles, and a CD. He inserted the CD and my favorite song was play­ing. He threw rose petals on the bed and floor, and then lit the can­dles. He smiled and kissed me sen­su­ally. His hands caressed every inch of my body and as our eyes met, I felt a con­nec­tion I hadn’t ever felt with him before. The moment was perfect.