Things between my husband Robert and I were going great. I felt as if we were starting all over again. Our therapy sessions were really working, and we both continued going to our own individual therapy sessions. He also began anger management, which was helping our marriage tremendously.
While Robert and I worked on our marriage, Derrick—the older man I was having an affair with—was busy falling in love with his new girlfriend. We talked occasionally, but hadn’t seen each other in weeks. He was very invested in this new woman. She was in her very early 20s and he was spoiling her, much like he did with me at one point. It was then that I noticed how stupid I had been. I ruined a very good relationship with my ex-fiancé, Josh, for a man that was never worth the time. I was always certain that Derrick and I had a connection, but I was also starting to realize how fooled I had been. I was too young and naïve to see it back then, but now, it was as clear as the air we breathe.
Somehow, and tragically, I would still see Derrick every once in a while. It was usually when I was mad at my husband. Sometimes, it was just to vent, and other times it was for sex. Sex with my husband was great, but nothing compared to the passion of my older man. The years he had of practice had made him a passionate lover. His experience was refreshing and often just the cure I needed. As good as the sex was with him, the act itself meant nothing. The danger of my affair was that I was no longer invested in my older lover. Part of me did not feel like I was hurting my marriage because I no longer loved him. Seeing Derrick was purely sexual, the love was long gone. After years and years, I was finally able to separate sex from my feelings. I was playing a dangerous game—I was also too stupid to realize that one day, I would finally lose.
One Christmas Eve, my husband and I got home from his company party. The night had gone amazingly well. We danced and laughed the night away. I could finally look at my husband and feel love in my heart. The nights of fighting and feeling abused and neglected were long gone. When we got home I disrobed in the living room. I looked at him and realized that I was madly in love. “I love you,” I said. “And I want to tell you something.” He looked at me, wrapped his arms around me, and I felt safe and at home. I pulled myself away from him and unhooked my bra. I did not take my eyes off of him as I slipped my underwear off. “I’m ready,” I said.
Robert started taking his pants off. “Oh baby, I am too,” he said with lustful eyes.
“Robbie, you don’t understand. I mean, I am ready.”
“Ready?” he asked as he continued undressing.
“Yes, I am ready.” I smiled and jumped on top of him. “I want to start a family with you.” Those were the words Robert had been waiting to hear for so long.
The smile on his face was big enough to swallow me up. He picked me up and carried me to our bedroom. “I’ve been waiting for this day,” he said, as he disappeared into the closet. When he came out, he had rose petals, candles, and a CD. He inserted the CD and my favorite song was playing. He threw rose petals on the bed and floor, and then lit the candles. He smiled and kissed me sensually. His hands caressed every inch of my body and as our eyes met, I felt a connection I hadn’t ever felt with him before. The moment was perfect.