The procedure to get rid of the baby was quick and when I walked out, Josh, my ex-fiancé was sitting in the waiting room reading a book. When he looked up and saw me, he smiled a somber smile. He grabbed my hand and walked me outside. I sat on the bench and stared off into space. He didn’t say a word. I think he was giving me the space he thought I needed. What he failed to realize was that I needed a distraction.
I quickly realized that Josh wasn’t the person I needed though. I needed my lover, Derrick, but I knew that he was against me having this abortion. I would have to lie to him and then break things off for good. I could no longer keep living a life of lies. I would end things with Derrick and would have to figure things out with my husband, Robert.
I thanked Josh and told him I would be calling a cab and that he was free to go. He said I didn’t need to call a cab and that he would drive me wherever I needed to go. I gave him Derrick’s address and hoped he wouldn’t figure out where we were. As we turned the corner to Derrick’s house, Josh sighed—he had figured it out. When he parked, I opened the door and thanked him again.
“In order for you to move on with your life, you have to move on from him. What does he have, Cassandra? What does he have that I didn’t have and that your husband doesn’t have? What makes him so great, aside from all the money?” Josh sounded angry and disappointed, all at once.
“You don’t understand. I have to end things right and have closure if I’m going to be able to move on with my life,” I said sternly.
“You never answered me. What does he have?” he insisted.
“I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. It’s just the connection I have with him—” I was interrupted by Josh’s laugh.
“Your connection? If you had a real connection you wouldn’t have killed his baby just now. You would have chosen to have that child and raise a family with him. What does he have that makes you keep going back? He’s a virus that’s ruining your life and you can’t even see it. He destroyed our relationship and now he is destroying your marriage.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears. I slammed the car door shut and cried in the car. When Josh put his arms around me, I broke down even more. His words were exactly what I needed to hear. I wasn’t sure why I kept going back to Derrick. There was nothing special about him and in all honesty, I was over him, but somehow, I always ended up at his front door. There was comfort in his touch and a sense of familiarity that I just couldn’t let go of. However, this time it would be different. It had to be. I was going to be done with him. I was going to be done with this double life.
I promised Josh that it would be different and his only reply was that I didn’t need to promise him anything. I needed to promise myself. When Josh drove off, it was time for the end to begin.