Now would be the best time to be honest about the role that sex plays in my relationship with an older man, Patrick. Its frequency, importance, and power over how we grew as a couple had a lot to do with him, at least in the beginning.
Patrick was a man who was obsessed with being with me and, because I had never been in that kind of a relationship before, I was aghast and amazed by his attraction to me. What I thought might be a very affectionate but occasional affair grew by leaps and bounds. I had trouble being responsive to all of Patrick’s demands and, at times, I would try to be unavailable to him, just so that I could catch my breath—and some sleep.
But as overwhelming as it was sometimes, Patrick was also, in so many ways, very irresistible. I felt safe, adored, and always on a pedestal with him—what woman doesn’t want that?
Patrick told me about his past early on in our relationship. He had only been married once, but had now been divorced for many years. In those years, he had had many monogamous girlfriends and sex had always been critical, even though it sounded like he had ended all of his past relationships for non-sexual reasons. Keep in mind that Patrick was a well-educated, cultured, well-traveled man who was strikingly handsome and very charming. I’m sure—although I never asked—that most of his previous girlfriends had also been considerably younger than he was.
Let’s get back to the sex issue. At first, I had some trouble adjusting to the sight of an older man’s private parts. It’s a little hard to explain, but I had never seen male genitalia that were as old as Patrick’s, and there are changes that naturally occur with aging. So, for the sake my comfort, it was always “lights out” when we had sex. That being said, I also had never seen anyone who was that well-endowed. Seriously, I was fascinated by how big he was.
Our sex life was excellent, in terms of results, but his frequent demands for sex left me feeling controlled. Patrick usually got very upset if I wasn’t in the mood when he was, which was pretty often.
Several months into the relationship, Patrick became almost distraught with me for not wanting to have sex with him at 5 a.m.—I was supposed to be flying out at 7 a.m. for a business trip and needed the sleep, but he didn’t care. When he called my hotel room later that night, I told him that I couldn’t stand the pressure anymore and that I needed to stop seeing him.
I thought that would have been the end of it, but Patrick ended up doing something that, to this day, still leaves me horrified and chilled to the bone…