On the first day of December, the unthinkable happened. I made my husband his favorite dinner, poured his favorite wine, and told him that I was leaving him. The conversation was not planned. In fact, when I first sat down for dinner, I was not even sure that I would actually say anything. It was sudden and out of nowhere, but I could no longer stay. As I faced him across the table from me while we had dinner, my stomach churned. I loathed the man’s actions with every inch of me. I could no longer stay. I needed to break up this marriage, at least for now.
My affair with Derrick was still ongoing and I had no intention of stopping. I loved my husband, but the unfair treatment I was getting from him was too much to handle. One day he loved me and said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Then the next day, he would say he hated me and wished that he had never married me. It didn’t help that things with Derrick were going great. Not only was the sex amazing, but now with his wife out of the picture, he was more attentive. He was working even less and I could tell he felt liberated. The fact that he got to keep all his money in the divorce made matters even better.
“Is there someone else?” he asked. His voice was shaky and I could tell he was hurt. He stared at me with those eyes that I once loved, but as I gazed into them now, I felt nothing.
“No. I just need time for myself. I’ve lost myself in this marriage. You crossed lines that you never should have. But I can’t blame you for that. I let you cross them and I did nothing when you did. I just need space to figure everything out. I’ll be renting a house a few cities away. My old house.” It was true, sort of. I would be staying at Derrick’s house. “It’s not fair for me to tell you to wait for me, but if you want to wait, then wait. I don’t plan on being gone forever. I just need to figure out what I really want. I feel really lost.”
I continued telling Robert that I had been unfaithful. “I wasn’t completely honest with you. That time you kicked me out, well, I started talking to Derrick again. Nothing ever happened, but there’s a spark that I need to put out and I can’t do it while I’m still married to you.” I lied and said I had never cheated on him. I knew eventually, if Robert was willing to take me back, that I would go back to him. I needed to make sure he believed he was the only one. I was cruel to him and said he pushed me to talk to my ex, Derrick. I told him that it was his abusive behavior that made me vulnerable enough to let another man in.
Robert refused to believe I was leaving. He tried convincing me to stay and apologized. He said that he would start therapy—something I had been asking him to do from the very start of our relationship—but I told him it was too late. I said I was leaving to work on myself, and that if he wanted to work on himself, then we could meet again a few months later and see where we stood.
By the time our conversation ended, we were both in tears. No matter what had occurred in our life, I had once upon a time truly and honestly loved this man with all of my heart. I simply could not love him anymore. I packed my bags and drove to Derrick’s old house, the one he initially let me stay in years earlier.