Why I Couldn’t Leave My Older Man, Even After I Caught Him Cheating: Part 1

Around 5 o’clock Derrick—my older, mar­ried lover—walked into the hotel room. He put his golf clubs down, scooped me off my feet, car­ried me to the bed, and started kiss­ing my neck pas­sion­ately. Had I not wit­nessed with my own eyes that he was cud­dling up to his wife on the golf course just hours ear­lier, that night would have been mag­i­cal. The fer­vor in his kiss was enough to leave me breath­less, as usual, but it just wasn’t the same after know­ing about the events that had tran­spired that after­noon. I couldn’t get the image of them hug­ging and laugh­ing together out of my head.

I pushed him away play­fully and asked about his day—a part of me was hop­ing he would fess up. He said he had a peace­ful time golf­ing and did not men­tion his wife at all. I was upset, but I con­tin­ued on with our evening. As hard as it was for me to for­get about his wife, I did my best to put on a smile and pre­tend like noth­ing happened.

Our trip even­tu­ally came to an end, and I never said a word. I wasn’t sure how I would approach the prob­lem. I was also not ready to deal with the poten­tial con­se­quences of con­fronting Der­rick. What I did know was that he was hap­pily mar­ried, and despite his pro­posal to me, he really had no inten­tion of divorc­ing his wife. This was just some­thing I had to accept.

After our trip to Mon­terey, it finally sunk in that all I would ever be was a mis­tress. It was hard to under­stand why he had given me so much—a car, house, clothes, hand­bags, jew­elry, time, and love. My mind could not grasp the con­cept. Why would he pro­pose if he had no desire to leave his wife? For a long time I tricked myself into believ­ing he would leave her, but deep down I knew he never would. And still, I stayed with him.

I didn’t know why I couldn’t just walk away. I was young and beautiful—I could get any guy I wanted. So why was I so hooked on Der­rick and this dys­func­tional rela­tion­ship? I was hop­ing that if I stuck it out for a lit­tle bit longer, maybe I’d get the answers I was look­ing for…